Steve Andreas – Responding to Criticism (1988)

There is no such thing as failure, only feedback. It points in a very useful direction, that is a nice thought. For most people, it is a cute sentence that does not change their experience or response. 70% of people respond to criticism with a lot of bad feelings. They try to get out of their emotional hole by rationalizing, trying to be objective, etc., but they don’t work very well. Since most of their efforts are directed at regaining a good state, they don’t usually use feedback information contained in the criticism. It is usually much later if they use this information. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Some people respond to criticism by simply rejecting it. They don’t allow themselves to consider whether the criticism they receive is valid or useful because they protect themselves from bad feelings. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it A third group can listen to criticism without feeling bad. They can use the feedback they get from the criticism to modify their behavior. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it These three groups are not rigid categories. You can find an example of each of these different responses in your own life, depending on your state of mind, the context, the criticizer, the frame, and more. When we are in a good state, no matter how harshly we are criticized, we can process it as interesting information. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it We became curious about the internal structure that allowed the experts to respond well to criticism. A number of people we have modeled are very good at responding to criticism in a useful way. The same basic internal process can be used by all of them, and this strategy can be quickly and easily taught to others. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it There is an example. The transcript was edited from a videotape of Steve teaching Carl how to install the strategy. There is a videotape of this demonstration and discussion.

As I demonstrate this, we are going to do two things. I am going to demonstrate installing the strategy and going through the different forks of it. I am going to demonstrate a way of installing a strategy by doing it in a dissociated state. Carl, that is going to be kind of a trip for you, because you are not that hip on dissociation, are you? It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Carl: I like doing dissociation. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Can you do that? Is that correct? Okay. Great. I want you to see Carl out here in a situation in which someone might give him feedback which could be construed as criticism. You just see it? Carl leans back. There you go! That is better. Good. You can see him as far away as you want. If you want, you can put a sheet of Plexiglas here. Carl smiled and nodded. Do you like that one? Good. I want you to remain in this state. You are going to keep an eye on him as he goes through this strategy. If there are any problems that come up with him, you’re going to be an observer and you’re going to keep an eye on him. We can do something to make it right if you let me know about those. It’s ok.

Well, great. You are going to watch this. One way of framing this is that we are just going to try it out, out here, and we are not going to install it in him until it is all done, and we are not going to do anything to him in here. That is a bit of a scam. It is a good scam if you are wary of things like that. It is true that it will not be installed until there are no ecological concerns. That part is true. When you see yourself going through it, you are also learning from it. You are going to learn a new way of responding to criticism because you are not happy with the one you have right now. Is that correct? Jose: No way, Carl. I don’t like it. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Steve: Well, good. When you see him out there, someone else is going to say something which could be construed as criticism. He is going to do something very important. He is going to distance himself from the criticism. It’s ok. You are going to watch him. While you are out of the house. Oh, OK. It is similar to the phobia procedure, where you have a three place dissociation and the function is the same. Someone is going to say something to Carl. You can make it up, what someone might say to him. Carl is going to keep this away until he has a chance to fully evaluate it. There are a few ways that he can do it. He can hear the words and imagine them in space. He can listen at a distance. It’s ok. You can watch and see how he does that in several different ways. As he hears the criticism, watch him. Some kind of criticism about him. He is going to keep that length. He is not going to be involved with it. He is going to take the criticism and make a picture of it. He is going to make a representation of the criticism. It’s ok. He is going to compare that movie with a movie about the same situation. Is it clear? Yeah. Okay. To say, Well, does that make sense? Is there a way that he can make sense of that? Can he understand that when you watch him do that? Does it make sense for someone to say that about him? It makes a lot of sense. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it It makes sense. I want you to watch as he decides what to say about that information. It is good information that he didn’t have before, right? Yeah. He could say, Thank you, or I’m glad you brought that to my attention. I will see what I can do about that. Or whatever. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Carl thinks he doesn’t feel shit inside. I mean it. That is a good plan. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it It just feels better. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Okay. It is going to be easier for him to use the information because he doesn’t feel shit inside. Carl: Correct! Right. It’s easier for him to be objective about it. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Exactly. That is what an objective is. You are dissociated. As you watch him, I want you to notice that he is going through a process of deciding what kind of response is appropriate to this situation, in terms of what he might do differently in the future, or whatever he wants to do. He has gone through the decision process. If it’s appropriate for him to carry that out now and respond to this, then so be it. Someone criticized him. If there is an appropriate response to this person like, Thank you for bringing this to my attention or I screwed up Carl: Yeah! That is what he did. He thanks the person. That is a new one, huh? Instead of hitting him. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Carl: Yeah. He didn’t thank him before. He doesn’t have to feel angry at himself anymore because in the past it was just anger towards himself. He can accept it as a learning experience. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Great. I want you to keep an eye on him as he takes the time to do something different in the future. He has made decisions about what he missed, or he didn’t notice, or he was careless. Right. How can he adapt to a new behavior? He might have to make a decision on a new behavior. He goes through the decision when and where he wants to be different as you watch him in the future. You can use the New Behavior Generator or run through old responses. Okay. Is that change done already? Yeah. Okay. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Carl: Really, yeah. He does not feel the tension inside. The whole thing happened in the first place and he is learning from it. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Is this different from your past experiences? Carl: He has never experienced that before. Never! It looks like he just saw an angel come down. He just has not had an easy time with family before, but this is just, I mean, he is smiling. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Okay. I want you to run through a different scenario. Again, you see him out here, but nobody is around yet. It’s ok. He has to stop and gather information because he hears someone say, You turkey, and then he makes a picture of a turkey. Until he gets the information: What is this person really commenting on? Carl asked what they were trying to tell him. What are they telling him? He can do this in a neutral way because he is just. Carl says that he can disengage. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Dissociate. He just wants the information. He can go through this thing again if he has enough information that he can make a movie of what this person is concerned about. Does his time around match? Carl, after they have told him? Is there a match after they have given him some information? Carl: Yeah. It was funnier than anything else. It’s ok. He probably wouldn’t have known if he hadn’t asked the questions. He wouldn’t have questioned it in the past. He would have said, Yes, I’m a turkey. Either way, you are a turkey, too. Right. Okay, screw you. As he goes through the process of deciding what to say to this person, watch him. You might have already done this. Does he want to behave differently in the future? Is there anything useful? Sometimes, if it is just a playful thing, it may be just kind of banter back and forth, and there is not really any reason to change behavior. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it I want you to finish it one more time. A real weird person comes up on the street and makes a weird comment that you can’t make sense of. It’s ok. He asked, Well, can you say more about this? Or something like that. He gets word salad back from a person who just got out of the hospital. When you make a movie of what his pictures are, and what you can remember, it doesn’t match up. Right. At a certain point, you say, Thanks, but no thanks, or Excuse me, or something like that. You make a concerted effort to find out what the person means, and if there is any real information in this, in which case you can safely dismiss it, because you don’t have any. It doesn’t have the information you want to use to change your behavior in the future, so it’s not worth it. Carl doesn’t think you will learn from it. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Right. I watched that Carl went through all that. This feels good. Right? Real good. It looks nice? Looks nice. Is there a problem with that? Is there any part of that that you would like to change or have any concerns about? It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Carl: I just want this to happen. I want to be there. I don’t want to be separated! That is the next step. It looks good, right? There were no problems. Well, great. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it If you want to make him a part of you, slowly reach out and beckon that one out there, and then bring him in at your own pace, and make him a part of you. The other Carl is brought back in by Carl. There are a lot of shifts that indicate a powerful integration with a lot of feeling, as he does this. To take that all in, take a couple of minutes. Don’t worry, just hang out there for a while. Carl wipes his eyes. This is a big deal for you. Carl nodded. I’m glad you came here. That is good. You just hang in there for a while and let everything settle down. As long as you want, take as much time as you want. You just hang out there, I am going to show you stuff with the group. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Do you have any questions? If you want, you can look at the outline sheet. Okay. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it You didn’t have him do one, that I saw, where someone that he really cared about, respected, admired, and he was really close to, said something totally tacky, tasteless, and vicious to him. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Make sure that they do that with you when you are in a small group. Dee: OK. If a clown walks up to you, you just shrug and say, Who cares? It is not easy to care about someone who does that. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it It is not the same. He picked someone in his own family. Carl started out with that. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it He started out with that. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I didn’t get angry at the person who gave it to me. I was angry that I wasn’t able to respond in the way I wanted to. I know that my family loves me in the first place, and that it is constructive. It was the way I was receiving it. I would second guess myself and say, Yeah, I’m this rotten person. I knew that their intentions were good. Being able to watch me disengage. Dee: OK. Would you agree with what they said, like you said, Oh, yeah, I can see that that is valid? It was not valid for you. It might have been for them, but it is not true. Would you have felt the same way? Carl wondered if he was watching it like that. Yes. I am protected. It was coming right into me in the past. Carl gestured toward his chest. If you can see what they are telling you up on a picture, and be apart from it, you don’t have to associate and feel bad about it. Take it in the body. That is correct. We can test it out if you want to. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Dee doesn’t have anything to say to you. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it I have taught this many times, but you have been the slowest. Carl smiles and looks up. This is a test. This is called testing, right? Dee thought he was the most touching. He was right in my heart. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it If there is a particular situation, Dee, that is the one that always gets you, I recommend that you don’t use that as the first thing to do. When you first learn to drive, you don’t get in a car and go to Le Mans or Daytona Beach, you learn on a dirt track or a football field. It is possible to use this with any kind of criticism, whether it is a boss or a spouse or a child. If you get stuck in one step and the whole thing falls apart, then use it at some point. By all means test it. I agree with what you said: Well, you know, this may work on some things, but how about those real tough ones? It is possible to do it on the tough ones. If you install the system, you will be able to watch it all out there because the strategy reestablishes that dissociation. If you screw up, it’s one of the nice things about this method. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Carl is protected from it. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it You are protected. You can watch it, and then you can back up the movie and say, OK, and then you run it forward again, so that. Whatever happens, you have total control.

Follow up interview. It has been about two weeks. So, let the people know. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Carl: There were a few after the criticism strategy was installed. People here would just walk up to me and call me a jerk, and then they would start laughing because they were just trying to test it. That wasn’t a very good test, right? The real world is where it needs to be done. In my job, I go into people’s homes and remove equipment that my company has installed there. It leaves holes in their walls when I remove it. They signed a contract that we are not responsible for. I am the person that they yell and scream at. I never realized that it would bother me. When it would happen in the last two weeks, I would take a step back and I am doing it right now because I am remembering it. When it would first happen, I would see it and decide if it was worth it or not. The faster it happened, the quicker it became. The people I work with are great for me. I was close to reframing. It was like, you know, keep it up. This is great for me. The more you do, the better. Yeah. That is how it works. The more the system gets to run, the more automatic it becomes. You said you would take a step back. It was that you noticed, right? Right. You wouldn’t consciously think about doing it, right? Carl: That happened on its own. In the past, I would always say, Oh, I am a terrible driver. Good. I was worried that I had turned you into a bad driver. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Carl thinks the best test happened yesterday. I felt good after getting my hair cut. I went back to my parents because I thought it looked good. I went by to see them. I told my mom that I had my hair cut. She looked at me and said, What about the back? because she usually gets it all cut. She was serious and asked about the back. Immediately, step back, Is this justified? No. It was very powerful. For it to be with her, the family scene, and for me not to plan, it was really powerful. I am a success. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Okay. Thanks a lot. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Thank you, Carl. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it 15 years after this session, Carl still responds well to criticism, and he has taught the process to his children.

There is a review of the process. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it 1. In a dissociated state, install the strategy. . Look yourself out there in front of you. Ann is going to learn a new way to respond to criticism. Do what is necessary to maintain the dissociation. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it If you put up a plexiglass barrier in front of you, you will be able to see Ann as far away as you want. Keep that distance and dissociation by using pronouns and location words. Don’t forget to watch for the signs of dissociation. When Carl was first up here, he started seeing himself over there, and then his shoulders and head came back, which was a good sign that he was getting more fully dissociated. Make sure that the client looks different when she is not associated. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it A few people prefer to hear themselves on a tape recorder at another location in space, or feel themselves with their fingertips at another location in space. It is possible to use the as if frame or vague language for people who don’t consciously visualize: Pretend that you can see yourself over there. You need to know that you are behind a shield. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it 2. Dissociate from the criticism. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Ann is going to be criticized. She immediately disengages from the criticism. There are many ways for her to do this. It is possible for Ann to see herself getting criticized. She can either step out of her body and see herself being criticized, or she can print the criticism out in space at about arm’s length. If simple dissociation alone isn’t enough to keep Ann in front of you, try using some other supporting submodality shifts. Is it possible for Ann to picture being criticized smaller, farther away, transparent, dimmer, or any other shift that would diminish her response? The objective viewpoint necessary for the next step is provided by the dissociation. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it 3. A representation of the criticism’s content is needed. Ann is making a movie of what the criticizer is saying. It is possible for Ann to make this representation smaller and farther away in order to maintain her state of being. It is difficult for people to maintain a resource state if they make large, bright, and close pictures of what they did. She can move it far enough away so that she can be comfortable and still see it clearly. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it You need to understand criticism before you can evaluate it. What does this person mean? If someone says, You’re twenty minutes late; now we’ll either have to rush or be late to the movie, you can easily make a reasonably detailed internal representation of that information in all major representational systems. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Critics are often too vague to understand. In order to know what the criticizer means, Ann will have to gather more specific information. Before asking for more information, it is useful to pace the criticizer in some way: I’m concerned that you think I’m a skunk, I appreciate your honesty in telling me that, I’m sorry that I upset you, etc. Until Ann can make a clear and detailed representation of the criticism in all major representational systems, watch that she continues to gather information. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it 4. When necessary, gather information about the criticism. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it In order to find out if they match or mismatch, watch Ann compare her representation of the criticism with all the other information she has about the situation. The simplest and most direct way to do this is to have Ann rerun her own remembered movies of the event and compare them with a movie of the criticism. She can show movies from different viewpoints, including that of the criticizer, onlooker, or another relevant person. The comments from other onlookers may be useful in evaluating whether or not the criticism contains valid, useful information. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it She may need to back up to Step 2 if there is a mismatch between the memory and the criticism. She may not have understood that the volume and pitch of her voice increased by 10% when the criticizer said she was yelling, and this is something that he is very sensitive to because of a history of being abused. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it It may be time for her to conclude that she simply disagrees if there is still a complete mismatch after repeated information. The criticizer may be hallucinating. It is possible that she has no idea what he is talking about, or that her perspective is so different that she hasn’t yet found a way to understand the criticize. It may not be worth it for the mayor to continue to work on understanding. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it There will usually be a match between Ann’s representation and the critizer’s. She can ask for more information about the parts she doesn’t know when this is true. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it The more she has, the better the representations will be and the more accurate the feedback will be. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it 5. Decide on a response. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it As Ann decides what she wants to do, watch her. She has only responded to the criticizer with information and pacing. It is time for a response, even if it is only an all-purpose response, such as, Thank you for bringing this to my attention; I’ll have to give this some serious thought. As well as the context and the criticism itself, Ann’s response will depend on who she is as a person. She might want to offer an apology or some kind of compensation for what she has done. If she wanted to annoy the criticizer, a simple, You got my message may be appropriate. She can say simply, That’s certainly not the way I remember it if there is a complete mismatch. She can say, That certainly isn’t the message I meant to convey, but I can see how you could understand it that way. I intended to clarify the misunderstanding. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it As she carries out her response, observe Ann. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it 6. Changing future behavior is something to consider. It’s not like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it’s like it Do you want to use the information from this criticism to act differently in the future? If that is the case, watch as Ann selects the new behavior and the future progresses. Ann responded to the criticizer in the present. You can watch as Ann decides if she wants to change her behavior in order to get a different response from the criticizer. If she wants to be different in the future, now is the time for her to create new behaviors and place them in appropriate contexts. She can be careful if she doesn’t have time at the moment.

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