Outline

There are myths and assumptions about affairs.

• Affairs are always a symptom of a relationship problem
• Most couples divorce after an affair
• Rebuild the trust bond before anything else
• Touching and sexuality should not be attempted in the first year of healing from an affair
• New data, research and cultural changes on the role, meaning, and outcome of affairs

A four-session assessment model is needed.

• Importance of conducting first session as a couple
• Conduct the psychological, relational and sexual history individually
• How and when to disclose sensitive, secretive information
• Role play aspects of the couple feedback session

There is a treatment model for different types of affairs.

• Understand the different types of affairs
  • High opportunity/Low involvement affair
  • Compartmentalization affair
  • Comparison or love affair
• Most vs least common type and easiest vs hardest type to treat
• Do not give the affair more power than it deserves
• Help couple understand the type of affair
• Six month “good faith” effort to make genuine meaning of the affair
• Indicators the couple can recommit to the marriage
• Signs the couple may benefit from a “good divorce”
• Create a new couple sexual style and a new trust bond
• Foster genuine acceptance and forgiveness
• Tools for sexual recovery
• An individualized affair prevention plan

There are challenges with affair prevention.

• Awareness of vulnerabilities regarding person, mood, and situations for future affairs
• Confront the myth that “once a cheater, always a cheater”
• Dialogue and agreement about monogamy vs. consensual non-monogamy
• Confront the manipulative or coercive partner
• Value of satisfying, secure, and sexual relationship
• Respect that “sexually, one size does not fit all”

There are cultural considerations in understanding the role and meaning of affairs.

• Non-American cultural differences
• Religion, politics and social economic class
• Special considerations with gay and lesbian couples
• Keep personal value and judgement aside when meanings differ

Clinicians have personal and professional values.

• Assess your personal values regarding affairs
• Tools to define your interest, competence, and values
• Be aware of personal values and judgements when client meanings differ
• When to refer due to differing values